Your New Ride

By Lee Boyland (Satire)
Author and Researcher

Liberal News Service (LNS), April 16th-

President signs Automobile Replacement Act of 2010

The president signed the Automobile Replacement Act in a ceremony held in the Rose Garden at 2 p.m. today. After signing, the president, flanked by the Speakers of the House and the Senate Majority Leader, declared it was a momentous day for America, a day that marks the recovery of the domestic auto industry.

Conservatives were upset by a few provisions of the bill, which include: new mileage standards for combustion engines; mandatory purchase of one new, high mileage, environmentally friendly automobile by every household by July 4th; mandatory replacement of all existing automobiles with new, high mileage, environmentally friendly models within five years; and prohibits the sale of new internal combustion engine powered vehicles after 2014. Additionally, the act requires the following by the end of 2013: metered electrical recharging terminals in all public and private parking lots, existing service stations, and interstate rest areas; modification of street parking meters to incorporate battery charging connections; and requires all recharging terminals to accept the new Obama $5, $10, and $20 coins that will be issued by the Treasury in 2012.

U. S. Motors (USM), formed by the merger of General Motors and Chrysler-Fiat, is producing three vehicles models that meet the new EPA mileage standards of 50 mpg city and 65 mpg highway. The president said those complaining about the 25 horse power engine and cramped seating are un-American and should be ashamed of themselves. There is some validity to the complaints that only children younger than six years can fit into the rear seating area, and that the shoulders of occupants in the front seat touch. Other oft repeated complaints are that the front passenger’s knees touch the dashboard, and the 2 cubic foot trunk does not provide adequate space to transport groceries or luggage. USM does provide, as options, a roof rack and a small trailer to provide additional carrying capacity. These three models will be replaced by the all-electric vehicles by 2013.

On the positive side, the size of the new USM automobiles allows for two of the new vehicles to be parked in the same space that was required for an older, larger vehicle, a Ford Focus for example. Ford, which has yet to develop an automobile that meets the new standard, may be in trouble. A Ford spokesperson said the company does not have the $99 billion necessary to develop such a vehicle. All foreign manufactures have made similar statements. This means that USM will be the only automobile manufacturer able to sell its vehicles in the U.S.

When asked about service and dealerships, White House Press Secretary Jim Joker squinted and replied, “USM automobiles would be sold online. One dealership is being established in the capitol city of each state.” Joker hastened to add that the low maintenance of the new USM automobiles would all but eliminate the need for service. Consumer Evaluator questioned his statement since none of the vehicles has entered service.

Joker laughed at a reporter who asked how the president thought the average family could afford one of the new USM vehicles that have a base price of $65,000—especially since the average family would have to purchase two of the new vehicles to replace one of their current ones. Joker replied that the American people were willing to make sacrifices to save the planet from global warming. Another reporter noted that consumers in China were buying Hummers, and those in India were buying Range Rovers. Joker replied that vindicated the new law. It was up to America to make up for the emissions of others.

The Fox reporter asked about the high base price of the new USM cars. She mentioned that when the law was being proposed, we were told that the new green vehicles would only cost $1,300 more to produce. Joker sneered and replied, “That estimate was based upon figures when the auto manufactures were making all of their profits selling trucks, SUVs and large cars. The lost profit had to be added to the new green vehicles, which will be completely assembled by union workers with no robots. The new prices will allow USM to break even.”

When the AP reporter asked if USM planned to offer any color besides green, Joker shook his head and replied, “Why would anyone want a different color?” and then departed.

U.S. Motors offers three models*:
Environmentalist 100 The base model, with a 25 HP hybrid engine offered in Spinach Green. Price $65,000

Tree Hugger 200 The intermediate model, with a 22 HP hybrid engine and additional pollution control equipment. This model has no back seat, and a 1 cubic foot trunk. Color: Bile Green. Price $75,000.

Planet Saver 300 Top of the line model, with a 20 HP hybrid engine and maximum pollution control equipment. This model has no trunk space and will only seat the driver. Color: chartreuse. Price is $85,000.
* Order on line, shipping and handling additional.

The vice president provided additional clarification when he said the new vehicles would bring families closer together. When questioned about his meaning, he replied, “A family that walks together stays together.” The VP also noted that concerns voiced by the hotel industry were based upon a misunderstanding of the law. Electrical vehicles would have a range of 100 miles on a charge, and require six hours to recharge. Travelers would only be able to drive between 100 to 300 miles per day, thus boosting room rentals. Other service industries would also reap profits by providing services to travelers waiting for their vehicle to be recharged.

A Ford executive, who wishes to remain anonymous, sees some problems in USM’s plans to have its new vehicles delivered by UPS. He noted that: “Green” packaging remains a contentious problem; that production has not begun on any of the new models; and that UPS has not yet finalized its delivery contract. A USM spokesperson said the company remains confident it can ship 50,000,000 automobiles by the Fourth of July.

The president, who is also the CEO of USM, dismissed the problems, stating that he planed to appoint a production czar, and shipping czar in the next thirty days.
Wall Street was impressed: share price of USincreased $1.00 from its previous $0.05 closing price.